Alumni Struggle with Lack of Naked Spaces

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By: Ali Lorenz

SAN FRANCISCO,  CA — Being naked with strangers may be significant in Carleton nude subculture, but when devoted students graduate, they are left scrambling. Luke Bergman ‘16, is having trouble finding places to be naked in public post-Carleton. The now-software engineer has said that he’s “utterly shocked” at the lack of opportunities to assault random strangers with his cod-fish ass.

“It’s a real void in my life now,” a distressed and sweaty Mr. Bergman told Salt reporters. “I thought streaking would be everywhere here in California. But the only way people will strip down is if we’re emotionally intimate.”

When a reporter noted that emotional intimacy didn’t seem like such a bad thing, Mr. Bergman replied, “That was never my strong suit.”