By: Morgan Ross
NEW YORK, NY — Garnering anger from both his supporters and environmental activists, President Donald J. Trump contradicted his earlier statements of plans to “drain the swamp,” deciding that he will flood Florida’s Everglades.
In an interview, Trump outlined his plans to add approximately seventeen million gallons of water to the swamp and have Florida pay for it.
“It’s quite simple,” explained Trump. “The Everglades are yet another example of how far the United States has fallen behind. China has huge swamps. Russia has huge swamps. Even Brazil has the Pantanal! We will dump millions of gallons into it. We’re going to have the biggest—and best—swamp in the world.”
Both Trump supporters and environmental activists expressed outrage. We exhaustively searched for someone who fit both of those descriptions, but alas could not find one.
“The only reason I voted for him was because I wanted that damn swamp drained,” said Mitchell Bloomer, a Florida resident who lives in walking distance of the Everglades. “My wife said, ‘Honey! He’s sexually assaulted women!’ And I said, ‘I know! But I hate that damn swamp!’ ”
“As an environmental lawyer, an environmental activist, an environmental lobbyist, a vegan, the owner of twelve bicycles, a Florida resident who bathes daily in the swamp, and a hippie who believes that Mother Nature is the world’s preeminent holy spirit,” said Tanya Cassman, “I’m pissed.”
The animal denizens of the swamp also expressed their grievances.
“Chomp chomp chomp,” said A. Gator. “Chompity chomp, chomp chomp? Chomp! Chompchompchomp chomp.”