By: Kate Hoeting
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Early Sunday morning, one member of the University of Minnesota Rape Team ran into the field with a football in hand. Since the incident, many fans of the team have expressed dismay at the athlete’s complete disregard for everyone involved.

The Rape Team’s head coach immediately responded to our interview request. In light of the recent events, he wants to ensure that the public knows his team would never engage in acts of football.

“I don’t know what went through his head,” said the coach. “Obviously, football is a highly destructive action that harms the boys involved. On the other hand, rape is one of the key ways we can keep the boys united. In our last rape case alone, we saw fans from across the state and even across the country band together in support of their right to rape.”

Within hours, the players banded together for a press conference, hoping to dispel the notion that their team condoned any acts of football.

“I’m not proud of the actions of my fellow rapist,” said one senior team member. “And I want to be clear that none of us support such a despicable action. Besides, with the lack of witnesses, we can’t be sure he actually played football. We have to remember that everyone deserves a second chance, or a third or fourth chance. Or even a fifth chance. After all, boys will be boys.”