By: Paulina Hoong

NORTHFIELD, MN — Visiting professor and relationship specialist Caitlyn Williams released a report last week detailing Carleton’s sexiest date locations. Williams said, “Too bad students can’t enjoy them because they have too much homework!”

 

Below contains a snippet of Williams’s findings:

 

Burton Dining Hall

For an affordable and dreamy dining experience, head to Burton Dining Hall with your date. Ladle marinara sauce over your macaroni to pretend that you are dining at a fine Italian ristorante. Under the dim lighting of Burton, make enlightening and thought-provoking discussion with your date on how stressed out you are about your workload this week.

 

If you want to spice this date up, head over to Sevy Side. The chandeliers give a romantic aura that will hide the fact that your entire friend group is carefully watching (and possibly recording) your pathetic attempts to flirt with each other.

 

Within 10 minutes of your sexy meal, ditch your date because you have a group project meeting in the Libe.

Rec Center Parking Lot

Feel suffocated by small-town life? Walk across Lyman Lakes to the Rec Center Parking Lot. Surround yourselves in the midst of some kid’s shiny BMW and dented Toyota Camrys. As you stand amongst the cars, imagine that you guys are driving in traffic to get the true big-city feel. Whisper to each other about how nice it would be to break into one of the cars and just escape it all. Well, anyway, it’s time to cut this discussion short, because your lab report is due tomorrow, and you have to go print it out at the Libe!

 

Their Musser Dorm Room

Hold hands with your date as you two venture to the west side of campus. Like you’re in the beginning of a horror movie, let the flickering fluorescent lights greet you—what a thrill! As you ride the elevator up to their room, sneak in a hot kiss on the same spot someone vomited on last weekend. On the way to their room, pass the giant illustrated penis someone drew on the whiteboard walls. Once you get there, sit on their bed while they get Netflix ready on their computer. Oh crap, you just remembered that you had to do a reading for neuroscience! Time to leave your date’s room and print your reading out at the Libe!  

 

First Libe

Descend down into the caverns of the First Libe with your partner. Make prolonged eye contact across the table as you attempt to do your critical race theory reading. The silence between the two of you will build sexual tension that will be too much to handle by the time the Libe bell rings. Too bad you guys can’t relieve that sexual tension, because your date has two midterms tomorrow!