Group Leader Secretly Thrilled At News That Least Productive Group Member Hit By Bus

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By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN The corners of Tristan Requio’s mouth slowly rose to a smile last Wednesday morning upon hearing that Christian Walnut, by far the least productive member of their group project for Game Theory, was hit by a bus Tuesday evening.

“Oh,” said Requio, while internally dancing for joy at how much better the project would be in Walnut’s absence. “How unfortunate.”

News about Walnut’s injury quickly spread to the rest of the group.

“That’s a real shame,” said Gack Erman. “I really enjoyed having Christian in our… Oh who am I kidding? We’re so much better off without him.”

“He kept going on and on about the prisoner’s dilemma,” complained Bryan Arkuenza. “Not all of game theory is the fucking prisoner’s dilemma! I’m glad the bus shut him up.”

One member of the group at least offered some kind words towards Walnut.

“Oh yeah, he was really helpful. He had a lot of good ideas and always did his work,” said Felix Briarwood. “But it’s still really funny that he got hit by a bus.”

The Salt also received a lead that the bus was driven by none other than Walnut’s Game Theory professor. The source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that the professor was “conflicted” about hitting Walnut with a bus, but that it was a “necessary evil” to avoid having to read his truly shitty work.