Trump To Deport Everyone But White Male Shooters


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By: Paulina Hoong

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – On Friday afternoon, President Trump issued an executive order that will ban everyone in the United States, aside from white male shooters.

President Trump said, “We have bad hombres of all genders and races that threaten to our national security. Non-white male shooters commit more crime than anyone else. We will keep America safe by deporting anyone that doesn’t identify as a white male shooter to protect the rights of Middle America–Christian-Neo-Nazis.”

When asked whether he would challenge the ban, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said, “If we look at cases like Columbine, or Charleston, or the Walmart Parking Lot Massacre, these white male shooters have been persecuted unfairly in this country. I will protect our most valued American citizens.”

To protect these murderers, the administration plans to roll out a non-white male shooter registry starting Monday. When asked how the administration planned to deport 99.999% of the people in this country, Trump said,  “The head of my National Security council, Steve Bannongreat, great guywrote the order. I have complete faith that it’s the best executive order out there in the history of executive orders, even though I didn’t read it.”

Many people wonder whether Trump would be deported. However, in a press conference, Trump assured the media that he and his family absolutely belonged in the protected class.