By: Morgan Ross

NORTHFIELD, MN – In a stunning turn of events, Donald J. Trump has won the CSA presidency.

“I express my deepest condolences as I announce that Mr. Trump will indeed be replacing me as CSA President,” announced a mournful Tiffany Thet on Monday morning.

Trump tweeted his triumph immediately.

“The people have spoken—I have been given a mandate to make Carleton College great again,” he tweeted.

However, that mandate has already been called into a question. Trump only won due to the “Dormtoral College.” When a majority of a dorm votes for one candidate, the candidate receive all of the votes from that dorm. Despite losing the overall vote, Trump won the swing dorms—Evans and Memo—in his narrow victory.

“I look forward to seeing everyone at my inauguration,” tweeted Trump. “I’m sure there will be people packed in all the way to the Weitz.”