By: Sophia Franco
NORTHFIELD, MN―Pope Francis’ recent visit to Northfield took a sour turn on Tuesday when His Piousness announced that following a night of “satanic debauchery,” he’d be excommunicating Musser’s fourth floor residents as a whole.
Trouble began when Pope Francis called campus security to report a missing case of sacramental wine. Security soon traced the goods back to a fourth Musser pregame.
Wanting to show respect toward Carleton College, the Pope insisted on entering room 420 on his own to retrieve his “misplaced” wine.
Although Pope Francis has yet to elaborate on what he saw during the pregame, he has since described the room and the floor itself as “a godless location.” The Pope has since recommended sage burnings throughout the floor “to rid it of this unholy place of the army of demons that currently live there.”