300 Injured After Small Kick-back Unwittingly Becomes the Friday Night Party

NORTHFIELD, MN–The night began auspiciously when Junior Alisa Wilson sent a text to a five-person group chat inviting her friends to a “franzia and chill” session in her Watson single. However, what began as a relaxed hangout among close friends soon turned into a nightmare of epic proportions as word got out that Watson 667 was “the party spot” for that Friday evening.


Eyewitnesses of what happened that night described the ensuing chaos as “unlit” and “a straight up denigration of every single word in the fire safety code.” Stuey Dent, the RA on-duty for the night, remembers the scene as “a mess” using the image of “a clown car filled with infinite clowns,” to illustrate how partiers dispersed from the room once security arrived. Altogether, over 300 students suffered injuries ranging from stepped-on feet and sneezed-in mouths to more serious cases such as that of first-year Tina Tiney, who suffered multiple bruises to the face and neck after being elbowed by everyone in attendance over 5’ 7”.


Experts warned that Carleton’s social scene has long been headed towards catastrophe. COMPS-ing SOAN major Connie Foreman offered The Salt her diagnosis of the problem. “In a centralized social environment where students have a maximum of one event to go to every Friday, you’re going see a wide range of destructive variables coming to the party. Literally.” Health officials hope to stem chances of another incident by urging students to participate in a “no-gressive” next weekend. According to the Office of Health Promotion, stops on the innovative celebration will include “your own dorm room,” and “your own bed,” finishing the night off in an exclusive location they’re calling “some fucking sleep.”

-Sophia Franco