SAN FRANCISCO, CA– Having trouble fighting off the freshman fifteen? Feeling too lazy to walk to the Rec from East Campus? Well it’s your lucky day, because Fitbit (™) has you covered!

The sporting company’s new initiative, called Get Up and Run You Lazy Fucker, offers an in-person alternative to their popular sportswear accessories. Through this service, Fitbit (™) will match each customer with a random swole af stranger, who will not stop yelling at the customer until they have finished their workout for the day.

Says spokeswoman Mary Runsalot, “we’ve found that our customer base responds well under the pressure of an angry man screaming obscenities at them.”

The customer reviews of the service place Get Up at 4.5/5 stars in just the first few weeks since the product was placed on the market. Try it out today in its newest update: Get Up and Stop Disappointing Your Father!

-Jordan Fues