Here’s Why American Millennial, Bradimir Rubin, Will Not Be Voting in the 2018 Election

NORTHFIELD, MN: Despite all the fervor surrounding the 2018 election, ⅔ of millennials report that they are not planning to vote. Self-described “American Millennial Male” Bradimir Rubin is encouraging others in his generation not to vote, saying of the voting system that “it cannot be trusted.” Brad is far from the only citizen concerned about the viability of the election system, especially following the CIA’s reports that Russia interfered in the 2016 presidential race. When asked whether he believes Russia is planning further attacks on US elections, Rubin responded “niet.”


“Listen, I am like other American millennial males,” Rubin continued. “I make laugh when Mikhail from “Office” is speaking with average paper company employees. On Sunday night, I cheer when football men achieve the endzone. I am therefore angered by the rampant corruption in the US electoral system and by the lies and misinformation being spread by the liberal news media.”


Hailing from the state “with the beaches and the Mick of Mouse and the large reptilians that eat naughty children,” Rubin explained that his vote makes no difference and that his time would be better spent simply staying home on election night. “I would rather be poisoned by my spies, I mean…boofed on by my guys than cast ballot in 2018.”


-Sophia Franco