Biblical End of Days Hits Minnesota, Carleton Students Still Expected To Attend Classes

THE RAPIDLY EXPANDING HOLE IN NORTHFIELD, MINNESOTA-  In spite of the recent fire and brimstone that has been falling from the sky, President Steven G. Pozkanzer refused to close down the school for a day. In an email to the Carleton College student body, he stated

“These weather conditions present serious challenges for all of us and require careful decisions. To that end, we have decided to provide free cider and hot chocolate in Sayles, LDC, and the Weitz cafe from 1:30-8:00pm. We ask our students to please be careful navigating the Locust filled pathways on campus and to avoid falling into the endless abyss opening up in town.”

 Some are skeptical of Steven’s confidence on the safety of the weather, reports from earlier today say that President Pozkanzer has painted his door frame with lamb’s blood and locked himself and family inside his house. We reached out to him for further comment, but we could not hear him over the frogs that were covering his residence.

By Lucas Sass