By Nicole Collins

And they say you need a PhD to be an expert.

Meet Scott “Vladimir” Johnson, a first-year student from Brookline, Mass. He’s a self-made philosopher, writing countless drunken rants on Google Docs and sending them in group chats to no response.

Today, The Salt had the privilege to pick his brain a little bit.

Q: So, what do your parents do?

A: My dad does some business shit I don’t understand and my mom’s a dentist.

Q: What are some of your favorite pastimes?

A: Ah, women. And parties. I love explaining the enigmatic machinations of my mind to others at parties. Especially women at parties. Really gets them going. But I respect women, y’know? I’m a radical feminist. I even wore a pussy hat at this year’s Women’s March.

Q: Dude, how do you sleep at night?

A: My Suorin Drop.