Area Student Glad to be Less of Hot Mess than Iowa Caucus

NORTHFIELD, MN –– It was one hell of a 4th week for senior SOAN/Stats double major Oliver Wehlmd, who struggled through Comps deadlines and midterm exams while battling a particularly fierce case of dorm sickness. Seen at various times crying in the libe, dining hall, and chapel, Wehlmd describes himself as a compsing catastrophe. However, solace came to Wehlmd last Monday in the form of the disastrous Democratic Presidential Caucus in Iowa. Though Wehlmd frantically typed out a plea for an extension at 11:57pm the night his paper was due, he certainly didn’t delay the results of the first contest in the Democratic Presidential Primary by six days. “Sure, I may have accidentally turned in a literature review for my 300-level Stats course to my SOAN Comps Advisor,” Wehlmd concedes, “but that’s nowhere near as bad as getting delegate allocations screwed up in a nomination process that will have significant ramifications for the future of our country.” The 2020 Iowa Democratic Caucus will go down as one of the biggest election disasters in modern American history. If anyone can declare a dubious victory, it’s Oliver Wehlmd, who survived the worst midterm week in his Carleton career with his dignity slightly more intact than the Democratic Party.

– Sophia Franco