Bloomberg Campaign Threatens to Split the Billionaire Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C.– What was supposed to be a night of merriment at the Pelotons for Africa Gala Fundraiser turned into a bitter showdown that left the billionaire coalition reeling. A tense hush fell over the attendees Friday evening as Bloomberg arrived wearing the same Navy Kiton K-50 suit as fellow presidential candidate and billionaire, Tom Steyer. 

Reports allege that Steyer left in tears shortly after telling his tablemates Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg “[Bloomberg] can’t keep f*cking doing this.” 

Friend and fellow entrepreneur Phil Teerich tells The Salt the .000001% has been “devastated” by news of Bloomberg’s entry into the race. “Our secretaries are going crazy trying to schedule all the golf matches that will determine our alliances,” Teerich lamented. 

Silicon Valley Executive Charlotta Gold was equally frustrated by the stunt. “The Facebook Group is intolerable now with Mark posting all these memes about being worth more than Tom,” sighs Gold. “Look, we used to be able to deal with disputes respectfully by running the whole show from behind the scenes, but now this competition is threatening to split our shadowy influence!” 

“God, it feels like picking which twin to insure,” one anonymous billionaire said of the process of choosing between Steyer and Bloomberg. “If this situation isn’t cleared up by the Regatta, I guarantee Dom Perignon will fly.”

– Sophia Franco