NORTHFIELD, MN — In an email last Thursday, Carleton’s Dean of Students, Carolyn Livingston, assured Carleton students and families that those who return to campus will be kept safe by nourishing broth. “The astounding health benefits of broth are just beginning to be discovered,” exclaimed Livingston in a statement to The Salt. “Carleton plans to immediately invest in broth research, starting with our new first-year A&I: ‘BIOL 100: What Can Broth Do?’”

Carleton’s commitment to the health benefits of broth dates back to January 2019, when a winter storm prompted college administrators to issue an emergency warning to ensure the safety of students. “Broth protected Carleton students in the polar vortex then and it will protect them now,” remarked Dean Livingston. “That’s what is so great about broth: it can save students from the polar vortex, alleviate the symptoms of a myriad of diseases, and save the College from financial ruin.”

Those returning to campus can expect to receive supplies necessary to protect themselves and others. “Each student will receive a health and safety kit including a thermometer, hand sanitizer, and two quarts of nurturing broth,” confirms Livingston. In addition to providing these supplies, Carleton plans to have students record their temperature each day.

While temperature checks were expected to be included in the College’s reopening plan, Carleton students were surprised to learn of Carleton’s policy of sampling the blood of students before entering academic buildings. “Carleton is so convinced of the health benefits of broth that we are mandating that students have at least a .04 BBC, or Blood Broth Content, before being allowed to attend class,” affirms Livingston.

Thursday’s email makes it clear that Carleton administrators aren’t missing out on any opportunities to protect students. “We looked into the health benefits of hydroxychloroquine, but our results paint a mixed image of their potential to prevent COVID-19. To be safe, we will be including 455 milligrams of hydroxychloroquine in students’ health and safety kits, enough to last the entire fall.” The inclusion of hydroxychloroquine created quite a stir among students in online Facebook groups; to ease their worries, Livingston acknowledged that any student concerned about taking the drug is “welcome to dilute it in their daily cup of broth.”

Carleton’s administration is aware that their plan to reopen will not satisfy all parents and students. Thursday’s email closes by recognizing the frustration of those who may not be allowed to return to campus due to Carleton’s maximum operating capacity of 85%. “We recognize the plight and disappointment of those who may learn they will not be permitted to physically return to Carleton’s campus in the fall.” Livingston assures, “any student who is not permitted to return can count on the USPS delivering them free hot chocolate.”

– Joey Silknitter